| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2008|04:39 am] |
|
Did I mention sometimes I'm amazed at life? Kasper is fucking brilliant. I miss him already :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2008|09:19 am] |
|
I stayed up for half the night mentally planning every single step I will take today, and now I can't even think about it......its like everything is so painfully clear and impossible and then when I finally wake up some sort of haze just covers everything and I just walk around half dead. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|12:52 am] |
This will get better, because I can change it.
With or without Casper the friendly ghost...
I will make it all that it was supposed to be. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2008|09:22 pm] |
Poison racing through my veins
A sordid pull to the insane
A constant gravity to change
And I don't know where to go
Paris breaths beneath my feet
Thirsty skin against concrete
My sacred heart misleading me
And I don't know where to go
No, I don't know where to go
I could go home to my love
And live the life I've always wanted
Or I could go on running off
Into the night, lonely and haunted
And the strange thing is
I don't know which I prefer
As I sit here and watch the sun set on Sacre Coeur
Paris falls under my eyes
History against one life
My sacred heart's on no-one's side
And I don't know where to go
No, I don't know where to go
I could go home to my love
And live the life I've always wanted
Or I could go on running off
Into the night, lonely and haunted
And the strange thing is
I don't know which I prefer
As I sit here and watch the sun set
I could go home to my love
And live the life I've always wanted
Or I could go on running off
Into the night, lonely and haunted
I could go home to my love
It's all there if I want it
But the sad thing is
I don't know which I prefer
As I sit here and watch the sun set on Sacre Coeur |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|12:43 am] |
Ironically enough this song makes me hopeful
sometimes i can't fall asleep
you lie beside me and i weep
dancing shadown on the wall
onceyou caught me ... now i fall
sometimes i feel love and trust
turn to anger and disgust
crawling darkness in between
no light in reach ... no silver sheen
sometimes i feel so ashamed
to be mercilessly framed
idle hands and eyes that stare
but no escape that i would dare
... love and trust ...
pain increasing every day
no truth left i won't betray
one day our way leads to an end
why do i cry ... i understand
that it's too late for me to go
i should have left you years ago
beyond this point of no return |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2008|11:16 pm] |
|
I've decided I want to study neurology. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|08:47 pm] |
I had a shared epiphany with max....
I guess its amazing to think that which has been a curse for so long might bring me to a higher spiritual plane. yes....I do like the idea. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|11:54 am] |
|
Sebastian makes me smile....first time I saw him in 9 days and I picked him up and for the first time he didn't grab my hair. I guess the haircut worked. His face is getting more developed and he laughed the whole time I played with him. He has the greatest energy and is going to be a remarkable person. He observes everything around him with great interest and that cliche sparkle in his eye. He gives me hope after what has happened. I give him all the love I possibly can, even when I'm at my wit's end, mentally, emotionally, and no matter what, I will always be here for him. I hope he will know that. I will miss helping him fall asleep during nap time, walking around with him resting his head on my shoulder, looking up at the elephants on the ceiling and crying, jerking around, terrified of having to miss a moment of life, I think that's why he doesn't like sleeping. But eventually he calms down, and its the most gratifying feeling to have him asleep, completely comfortable in my arms, his tiny mouth wide open and his breathing steady. I slowly pace toward his crib and gently lay him back down. He sometimes wakes up, gives a tiny wail, and then closes his eyes again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|09:35 pm] |
Part I - observing the window sill
The hope that this will all somehow tie together is perhaps naive but the only way to find a reason to wake up in the morning. After I recover from the recurring dreams that cycle through old and new, only to give me false lessons to learn real truths...I may never get closure from anywhere else but the imaginings of my subconscious, but at the very least each step brings me closer to ending them altogether. Though you will never know it, I miss the times when you were like a sister to me.
Part II - the wood rotting still
I wished that my wading through this viscous lake did not affect her so much, I unfortunately cannot keep myself above the water while fishing for things to hand to her, and I call for help through the murk and yet she cannot lend a hand to get me out, starving for strength; we're both trapped without being able to help the other and it goes on...on and on, maybe one day we'll get out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|12:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
I've been hoping to find some way to make sure you appear in my dream....but it doesnt work. Sebastian gives me mixed feelings, I'm glad I get to watch him grow up a little bit more each day and he's really adorable, especially when he eats the apple and plum baby food stuff, even when he pulls out entire strands of my hair, but it makes thinking about it more difficult. over two weeks ago I got on the plane and as it took off I could feel it. The first night after I could feel the difference, and I hope it will forgive me. It has to be good enough. I have to be good enough. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|09:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Don't you cry- Kamelot | ] |
-trouves ce que tu veux faire dans la vie...
-le probleme c'est que je ne peut pas le faire...j'ai envie d'etre heureuse, j'ai envie de faire du theatre, j'ai envie de coudre, de dessiner et d'etudier de la literature sans avoir a prendre des cours d'histoire americaine.
J'ai envie d'etre avec quelqu'un qui ne se foutra pas de moi derriere mon dos...tu me comprends...
-Il faut que je jam avec le groupe de Rod demain...
-tu ne veux pas?
-non...c'est pas ca, je suis fatigue, mais je vais le faire en fantome
-hahaha
-j'ai envie de m'amuser dans la vie....
-viens avec moi au Portugal alors!!
-je le ferais bien, si je pourrais trouver un travail...je tu suivrait n'importe ou si je pourrais trouver un travail.
-je t'aime beaucoup
-moi aussi je t'aime.
-on y retourne?
-ouais. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|04:43 pm] |
Je voudrais tant pouvoir etre contente la ou je suis et ne pas avoir l'envie d'etre quelque part d'autre...
at least I have my loves, Mercutio, and my metal festival to be excited about. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|10:23 am] |
|
once again I've seemed to wreach havoc within friends...fuck. I need to grow up. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|10:26 am] |
|
I'm sorry to all the people I've blown off lately...there's some things on my mind I can't even begin to comprehend. But when I figure it out, I'll be in a much better mood. Maybe things will be easier when school starts. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|04:59 pm] |
Your True Birth Month Is February |
Sharp
Ambitious
Spendthrift
Loves reality
Loves freedom
Temperamental
Low self esteem
Honest and loyal
Abstract thoughts
Daring and stubborn
Changing personality
Showing anger easily
Intelligent and clever
Loves aggressiveness
Quiet, shy and humble
Learns to show emotions
Rebellious when restricted
Determined to reach goals
Superstitious and ludicrous
Dislikes unnecessary things
Realizing dreams and hopes
Too sensitive and easily hurt
Loves entertainment and leisure
Romantic on the inside not outside
Loves making friends but rarely shows it
|
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|07:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I went to homestarruner.com for the first time since I left MD...and It reminded me so much of West I felt like gutting myself just to get rid of the horrible feeling I got in my gut. I hope he's alright...I miss the days I used to go to his house and hang out in the forest with him. We watched MM videos together, and had so much fun...I wish I could just relive those moments. Like the time he came over to my house and we drew for 5 hours together...I don't know what I did wrong. Actually, that's not true. I handled the situation to the best of my ability for the time, and I shouldn't have any guilt. I suppose I just feel nostalgic. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|07:30 pm] |
|
I don't want anything to do with you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|06:09 pm] |
me and Kiwi's song...I miss her...hope she's having fun in Kenya!
I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and
I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas
You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard arrest in your head And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas
I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve
You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
Why is it that both me and Phred have the same taste in guys...? I dunno wether I should be worried about that.... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|05:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
time to follow Morgan/Doug's advice...cause in the end, it all comes down to timing. there is no ONE solution. Oh and on a completely other note, I must teach Rodrigo how to sew. I miss him. Maybe I'll go visit Fatima in the Azores next summer on my own...that'd be sweet. Anyone care to join me in a trip to my home island? |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
marlosthersoul's journal